If Sondheim Was A Parent...

My one attempt to channel Sondheim, badly and without remorse, in a pitiful attempt to discuss those last few days before parenting begins.

Husband’s Friends:

Is it born yet?

How’s your wife?

Wife’s Friends:

Want to hear my labor story?

Or the story of my life?

Friends (both):

Is there anything we can do

Before she comes?

You know who…

Wife:

I’m surrounded, distracted,

Contorted, not contracted.

People asking why?

Husband’s Friends:

Is it born yet?

How’s your wife?

Wife’s Friends:

Want to hear my labor story?

Or the story of my life?

Husband’s Friends:

It’ll be soon, I promise.

Tomorrow, I’ll bet.

Wife’s Friends:

Full moon coming.

Next week, no sweat.

Husband:

I’m swirling, toppling, twirling.

My stomach curling.

People asking why?

Husband’s Friends:

Is it born yet?

How’s your wife?

Want to hear my labor story?

Wife:

That’s the story of my life!

Wife’s Friends:

I’m sure you’re ready.

Got the room together?

I bought her a teddy.

When she comes home, I’ll come see.

We wouldn’t want to bother,

Would we?

Wife:

I’m tossing, turning, pillows overhead.

Not sleeping. Not yearning.

Learning to leave things unsaid.

Husband’s Friends:

Is it born yet?

How’s your wife?

Husband:

That’s the story of my life!

Wife:

Phone is ringing.

Husband:

People singing.

Friends Together:

Is it born yet?

How’s your wife?

Want to hear my labor story?

Or the story of my life?

Wife:

I wonder if I’ll ever sleep again.

Husband:

Me too.

Friends Together:

Never again

Not you two.

Especially after you know who.

When it's born

You'll wonder why.

Sometimes you'll sit.

Sometimes you'll cry.

Sometimes you'll wonder, 

"Why do I try?" 

But then it's born, and you will see

It doesn't matter
He or she
Because you will love

Un-con-dition-all-eeee